Nightmares of being Peter Pan

I wonder if one of my deepest fears has something to do with a vicarious involvement with basketball. Some good friends invited me to dinner since I was in the neighborhood last night and over some enchiladas my buddy asked what I was doing tonight. I told him I was going to play some basketball at 8 p.m. He said, “that’s why you should’ve been in the league [NBA]. You actually feel like playing basketball this late at night? I don’t even wanna pick up a basketball.” I retorted, “I’m just playing now because I didn’t get to play then.” My answer surprised me in it’s candor. But it was likely true since my buddy played Division I basketball and I did not. He worked out numerous times with NBA franchises before retiring from the sport whereas I had a less satisfying attempt at the pros.

I’m pretty comfortable with my answer, however, because it’s authentic if nothing more.  Nevertheless, I can’t help but ask what’s wrong with me? I play all the time and I don’t know if it’s because I sat the bench on some of the teams for which I played or if there’s a fool inside me thinking that a man my age could play in the NBA’s Development League. The last thing I want to be is the Peter Pan of basketball. Furthermore, if the fool resides within, does he think he could get called up to a 10-day contract so that he could say that he played at least ten games at the highest level of basketball? It is the stuff of embarrassing internal monologue. But it’s worth pondering for me.

Whenever I’m coaching and yelling at kids to give the workout their best effort, I wonder if I’m vested in seeing one of them excel on a level I could not. I’d like to believe that I am solely interested in developing the character and skill of my athletes. But growing up, it was as if there was a small window of time in which a young man could participate in sports, a.k.a. the great American leisure. If the chores are done, if there’s not something more important to do and if you’re not too old… Aren’t these the dependent clauses which predicate an involvement in basketball or any sport? I can’t shake feeling like I need to grow up. But I pay attention to how I approach basketball even now. I try to literally embody what I’m teaching young athletes. I’ll go to the gym to do “Kneehab” for my Patellar Tendonitis and run shooting drills for myself intent on making hundreds of jumpers. Then there’s the ball handling and other forms of repetition I do. I don’t just play basketball; I train with nothing for which to train and it doesn’t feel strange until I compare myself to other adults.

I develop the pillars of IDENTITY, RESOLVE, MOTIVE and similar characteristics in my clients. Surely I couldn’t be a fraud could I? Surely this isn’t a ruse through which I live out my fantasy of playing basketball for a living. I honestly don’t think that’s the case but I’m not on the outside looking in and I’d hope someone would intervene if they suspected I was pretending to develop others while secretly pipe dreaming. I guess this is where “Keeping it Real” goes right instead of wrong. Maybe I just play because it’s fun and I’m having the time of my life figuring out how to take a God-given interest and make it a mission. Lord help us to see what you see.