My bout with Embarrassment

My mom tried fighting my battles on more than one occasion and I can’t blame her for that. It’s what a parent does. But it was this beloved protectiveness that helped me to become immune to embarrassment. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my involvement in basketball, it’s that you can’t make it through life being easily embarrassed.

Mom attended more of my games than anyone I ever invited, yelling and screaming from the grandstands to put me in the game. She was at home fuming when my long face walked through the door after having sat the bench all night. On countless occasions she threatened to talk to my coach at which I responded, “If you do that mom, I’ll quit myself.” I think the thing I feared most was embarrassment because of the negative attention it elicited. Sit the bench and you’re a laughing stock. Play during the final 30 seconds when the game is virtually over and…you’re still the object of ridicule. Have your parent approach a coach who you know couldn’t care less about their frustration and all social capital is lost. Man, let’s just load up the car tonight and leave for Texas or some place far away from West Covina, California. That’s how I felt.

Embarrassment loomed as I attempted to master basketball and just fly under the radar in my social circles of high school and college. It was the nemesis of my existence because I wanted what so many of us desire, the respect of the world around us. But the world outside my window was no different than yours – overrun with people embattling the same fear. Who wants to be on the team but not really on the team, you know what I mean? Who wants to walk through a school campus being smiled at all day only to find that your zipper has been down since 8 a.m. and there’s toilet tissue hanging out of the seat of your jeans? Embarrassment was a paralyzing force in my life and then…

I stopped caring. I realized that there’s the me others see, the me I see and the me God sees. Again with the religious stuff. But people always want to know why I’m even kiel. They say, “How are you so positive?” as if it is formed out of thin air. Nothing is. I’m upbeat and not easily shaken for one reason. I don’t care anymore about embarrassment because it’s part of risking. Anything worth while is risky and not without potential for humiliation. Behind the jeering of onlookers is a blatant remark that goes, “If you had just been more like us you wouldn’t look so stupid right now.” Some truth lies in that. But If I’d listened to that crowd I would have given up basketball, my faith and most of the meaningful pieces that have formed my life. Embarrassment is not an evil simply because of how it makes one feel. It’s an insidious adversary because it can derail your vision and sense of hope. Embarrassment can leave you impotent and devoid of inspiration. I learned that from NOT playing basketball.