The Battle for True Self

I was talking to a varsity basketball team recently about identity, the quality of being oneself and not another. And every time I read that definition of identity, I’m confronted with the question of how we learn to be the truest version of ourselves and not some false version. The guys I met with recently ranged in age between 15-18 and so I led the lunchtime session with this question:

“How many of y’all hate missing shots in games?”

Every hand went up but I was more concerned with the reasons for the hate and answers went something like…

…Because it’s my job to make shots

…I don’t wannna let my team down

…It’s embarrasing

…I don’t want people to think I suck

How can you not love teen honesty? Most of us adults are still teens emotionally stuck in varying stages of arrested development. We fear missing shots don’t we? I do. A missed shot is a fail and when fails stack up, the temptation is to let them define us. So I dug a little bit to help these young studs examine themselves, something we’re not really taught to do despite 13 years of primary and secondary education. We can get an A in AP Gov but an F in Self Awareness. I asked these guys if a player (Kobe Bryant) played 20 years in the NBA and only won 5 championships does it make him a fail. It was just for perspective but you know how it is. Preach to some teenage boys and you’re talking to yourself.

We have the remarkable divine ability to know self and consequently be led into true identity that is not defined by moments of failure. But like those boys when lunch ended, WE ALL have the choice to submit to the truth that FAILS DON’T DEFINE A LIFE that is committed to improvement, humility, preparation and purpose. Failure is an indicator, not a place of residence.

“When we’re driven to examine ourselves truthfully and intimately, there is humility and triumph” (Coulter “12 Lessons I’ve Learned from NOT Playing Basketball)

Personally, one of my missed shots is divorce. My lifelong identity had its roots in avoiding the pariahs and taboos of societal morality. Stay away from promiscuity, adultery, drug sale/usage and obsession with sneakers and oh…divorce. But whether you’re a teenage basketball player or a middle-aged English teacher/adjunct professor, THE FAIL can be absorbed. It can override the truth of our identities because of our society’s obsession with how we look.

The glaring flaw on display when we fail points us to our pretenses. Exposure is painful, especially when accompanied by loss as people distance themselves from the “FAIL-ER”. But being oneself and not another means doing the core work of examining aspects of the self like motivation, resolve, responsibility..all the Core12 stuff I’m always talking about. Pretense is a poisonous distraction that keeps us from interior work. Identity is not subject to the defining done by the perceptions of others. Identity is housed in our convictions and the humble and strenuous work we engage to link those convictions to all areas of life. I may miss shots sometimes but at least I know I’ve been in the gym trying to make it right. How do you think of your identity?