Anger, Apologies & Me

Confession time. I got heated yesterday over something that’s been brewin’ for decades. The title of this post is the spoiler. If I’m being “100” (honest), apologies are in short supply in this world and I had gotten into a mental space where I was just over it. How long will people add insult to injury, ignoring the harm they’ve caused. It was personal and I was done in a real way. Long story short, I got reflecting on childhood, adulthood and life in the ‘hood. I noted how my theology, intellectual disposition and social rearing worked against me giving vent to my anger throughout life. If Norman showed signs of discontent, it was rare and met with “big eyes” and astonishment. Then add that I’m a 6’5″, African American, male, former athlete from the inner city. I’ve always felt like I don’t get to be angry in public. Trust me; this is not the stuff of myths. There is a price for being black, male, athletic and enraged. Stay focused I will though. I became mild mannered at some point in life and well…that attracts predators. But you grow up and realize predators prey and give very few “Fs” about anything they’ve taken be-it time, money or opportunity. The problem is, the world spins and the predators keep coming. I guess this post is about that reality.

I love and hate apologies. In one respect I can drop the names of countless people who owe me one and can craft just as long a list of those to whom I ought to remit such payment. I’d like to believe I’m pretty transparent, acknowledging shortcomings, righting wrongs I’ve made, owning my shit as they say. But what I find is that for every misdeed I cop to, I probably configure excuses and defenses for them all. And there’s the tricky part. There is a context for every offense, a cause for every harmful effect. The longer I live the more I believe that no act stands alone in isolation. And we don’t like that reality. Pardon the aside.

Franciscan Priest and Contemplative Richard Rohr says this about the reality that disappoints us so often:

“Either we align ourselves with reality and prepare to be let down, or we block out the always muddy real world and bring on so much more suffering in the long run. This is spiritual common sense, which unfortunately is not so common.”

R. Rohr, Center for Action and Contemplation.

I am common sense dumb, illiterate and/or deficient. Please believe it and I may not be alone. I expect apologies from people who will never give them and I say I am sorry when I shouldn’t. Sound familiar? Furthermore, and here’s the hate part, I know that apologies unaccompanied by change actions lose power. Feeling sorry for what one has done must be reflected in responses of empathy to have any sincerity. Apologies are overrated but not inconsequential. They are the embodiment of what is best in humanity when they mean something. But their meaning is housed in a response to a prompting within us, a compulsion to ascribe value to harm and to the perception of it. To apologize with an intent to improve a situation or make amends is self leadership. Apology and empathetic actions cannot be demanded, only rendered. That said, my mom asked me this morning over coffee what I needed from her. I had gotten angry about something and was able to admit hurt along with the truth that I linked that hurt to another action unrelated to hers. Coolest piece was that in the space of honest conversation with a lot of opportunity to make it worse, apology materialized followed by a couple of practical solutions.

In the end, leading self in the space of relationships is a truth exercise and most of us are out of shape. It’s like Zumba after Chili and a milkshake. BRUH! For real though. Apology is hard and ironically we want it when we’re the victim but avoid it when we’re the culprit of harm. And anger is never far from unmet expectations. “…Anger is synonymous with displeasure. When it surfaces, it aggressively attempts to interrupt or punish the source of the displeasure” (Coulter, The 6ixth Man…). So the victim today can turn punisher tomorrow. I know from experience. And the apology seeker will spray people they love because of the past.

At day’s end, “…Anger in its truest sense must prompt one to actively improve him/herself and his/her environment”
(Coulter, The 6ixth Man…). Byproducts of anger linked to disappointment include resentment, apathy and diminished concentration. Anger seldom serves any good purpose unless it’s a bridge to something. Source the anger and why it exists, and you’ll touch the deepest recesses of self. It’s a work in progress for me. I stay angry and constantly have to swerve on these vibes immersing me in past offenses. Lead self, source anger, apologize sincerely… ’tis the season. The “bombest” model of rightly directed anger is Jesus Christ.