Regrets Made Me Lead Self #Facts

THIS crumb led me to lead self. Regret is like Kryptonite to the soul. It weakens you despite being eerily familiar. Is the familiarity why pieces of Superman’s home planet weakened him? Wasn’t he only super because Earth’s properties differed so much from Krypton? Enlighten me in the comments if Comicon is your jam. Regret has always been destructively and exhaustively home to me.

The road to focusing on leading self started with losing my grip on self in the first place. By this I mean that I was taught to ensure that you stay worthy of people’s respect. Don’t betray your followers by failing them. If you’re like me, you grew up believing in the preservation of your reputation. But then, also if you’re like me, you realized that triggers are real. No one is immune to cataclysmic errors and certain scenarios, human dynamics, and life catastrophes can bring both the best and worst right out of you. That’s why so many friendships ended in 2020 due to COVID and the election.

As harrowing as it sounds, none of us are exactly who we think we are. I was no different and I viewed leadership as a pinnacle. There was a time where I thought you needed to be damned near perfect or wholly distant from the sources of regret in your life. Because then you could be super. If you could just get far enough away from Krypton, you could lead.

What changed about how I viewed leadership?

The only thing that changed permanently to shift my gaze from others to self was my rhythmic failures. The regrettable mistakes, the missed opportunities, the cowardly episodes revealed what and who I was at times but more importantly, they revealed my patterns. I started noticing that I was a people pleaser, someone who takes on the extra because no one else will. I was like that as a basketball player. The best shooters on the team didn’t want to rebound and dive on the hardwood floor to get loose balls. So I did and my pattern became accepting the roles others gave me and living in the compartments others constructed for me. It followed me into nearly every relationship.

I was dependable and a good guy, somebody who others would never expect to leave a job, cuss someone out, fist fight or allow the disintegration of a relationship. The power of regret ate at me all the time as I blamed myself for not being rich, for not being a professional athlete, for responding to provocation with force. I stewed in my anger from childhood to adulthood and then one day I was out of “Fs” to give. Straight up! And then began my cycle of trying to commandeer life so I wouldn’t regret being human Charmin.

You can’t cheat the design

I still remember the day I confronted some of my closest family members about things I harbored as a child. I was a bitter brotha and may still be on some levels. But I broke the “Nice Norm” archetype on those days. It felt powerful to refrain from takin’ shit even one more day. There is a breaking point in us all. But reaching this point always damages and aggrandizes. It energizes but also wrecks, particularly if you imbibe on the exhilaration of standing tall for a change.

I remember resigning from two jobs in Christian ministry service because pastors threatened to arbitrarily play “god” with their powers of employment. In both cases I took control of the situation and shook the dust from my sandals as I managed to not have the door hit me in the cheeks on the way out. I made sure the “bounce-out” was my choice. But I didn’t deal with the resentment, anger, disgust and host of negative emotions coursing through me toward those whom I had challenged. And this is where leading self became necessary. If I didn’t turn my leadership inward I was bound to destroy myself and others from a locus of pain.

Which YOU will lead others?

I feel that fraud alert every time I open my mouth to teach or lecture. Regret has a way of whispering my worst iterations on a loop and I always recognize the voice. Krypton again, telling me I failed myself and countless others. And if I’m not watchful, I take that bait and start trying to convince the public that I’m worthy of their followership. But the true self that I’m becoming acquainted with resolves to recognize my regrets, release them and redeem them. To lead self is to influence self and I would add that this has to be done first. When I was young and “perfect,” I rode my reputation into every town. The new me ain’t so prim but he fakes zero moves. Authenticity always leads me to the best questions and the core. Then the residuals of my true self can flow to those in proximity. What’s more super than that?